


Silken Twine

by MsYukari



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Dinner, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Lights, Churches & Cathedrals, Comfort Reading, Eventual Romance, F/F, Feelings, Fluff, Holidays, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, Mild Sexual Content, Season/Series 02, Sexual Tension, Spiritual, Tenderness, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, spirituality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-01-06 10:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12209277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsYukari/pseuds/MsYukari
Summary: So, this was a prompt that Eve gave me on twitter that she wanted to see which was this:It's Christmas and Joan attends the local Catholic church. Unexpectedly, she discovers Vera sitting at the opposite side of the aisle, alone.This will have minor religious descriptions of Catholic traditions but overall it will be a little more spiritual based. It will also take place during S2 as I showed in the tags.I first wrote this as a one shot and now it has a 2nd chapter which takes place on Christmas Day.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ashortbio](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Ashortbio).



Joan had just finished her long day at Wentworth. She had worked hard today and longer than she had normally because it happened to be Christmas Eve. Vera had also been working and the woman had requested a lot more shifts to work. Joan appreciated the amount of work Vera had been doing even if it meant she worked double shifts. She was concerned about Vera overdoing it since her Deputy had gone through a difficult time lately. The only way Joan knew how to counteract that was distracting herself with work or fencing.

However, work was ending and she was tired and the fencing studio was closed for the holidays. She was at the front desk near the exit doors and stared at Fletcher who lifted his eyebrows at her.

“Merry Christmas, Governor. Any plans?”

She raised her eyebrow and did a slight shake of her head. “I don't celebrate Christmas, Mr. Fletcher. Make sure to keep the women in line. There are always some that feel a need to be overly emotional during this time of year. Have a good night shift.”

Joan left quickly and she sighed at the warmth that hit her. It was early evening and the sun was setting low. It covered the trees and the rest of the outside world as if golden honey was landing on each thing it touched. The soft light and blue sky was a gentle hue of color as it was starting to set. She could see a coral pink sunset as she drove and it was a beautiful view of the sky. One in which she wasn't always as appreciative of before. 

She preferred the winter months and often missed when it was winter around this time of year, and she had been living in Australia for a good majority of her life, but there was something inside her that still missed the cold.

Joan stopped to visit the grocery store and picked up a few things she needed for dinner tonight. She had some ingredients she ran out of and she'd been so busy with the prison that she neglected to buy what she needed. 

She watched as children ran around with their families and took in all the Christmas displays and decorations in the store. She had no family. Even now her father was not appearing to her, as he often never did around this time of the year. She pushed him away from her mind, not wanting to remember the Christmases from the past.

As Joan stood in the checkout, her lips twitched with how busy it was. She almost wanted to do the self checkout but that was just as busy as the registers and people were usually too slow at this time of year and she didn't have the patience.

Joan ignored the cashier as she spoke to her and just nodded and gave a small and polite smile as she rang up her items. _I picked a fine time to go shopping on one of the busiest days of the year. I just want to get out of here so I can go home and eat in peace._

As they started bagging her things, she looked over at a plastic donation jar and saw that it was a donation for homeless families. She ground her teeth and slid her tongue across her bottom teeth. She shook her head and took out a dollar and some change that was in her wallet and placed it into the donation.

“Oh, thank you so much for your donation. Merry Christmas to you!” The cashier said.

Joan stared at her and tried not to blush at the comment. She was hoping to donate without someone noticing. She didn't want that type of attention; that wasn't what donations were about. She'd already donated to Tiny Tots earlier this month and that was done anonymously. Still, she felt a need to give a few extra tonight even though she refused to donate any more during this time of year.

“It was nothing... Merry Christmas,” she said softly and quickly left the store. 

While she wished to avoid the holiday, she couldn't help but respond to the social normalcy and expectation that others had. So, she smiled and wished the cashier Merry Christmas even though she didn't want to. It was the polite thing to do.

As Joan drove home and it was getting darker, she took in the Christmas lights displays of the houses and how beautiful many of them looked. Some houses were like a beacon of light and she furrowed her eyebrows at such an overdone display. 

Joan got out of her car and looked at her dark house that had nothing to show the festivities of Christmas. A long time ago, her family decorated when her mother was still alive, and there was a while that even her father decorated the house for when some of the family came over before they moved to Australia. It was cold during those winter months and she felt nostalgic as she thought of the snow during this time. It was something she preferred when she went to Russia a few times out of the year. 

The summer weather was nice and warm, but there was something about the cold she preferred. It often matched the coldness within her heart. She didn't always wish to be this way so she bought a goldfish, and donated to charity. That in some way made up for what she lacked.

When she stepped into her home, she took off her uniform and undid the bobby pins in her hair and brushed through the black and silver strands, relaxing as she ran her fingers through it. Joan quickly changed into casual clothing and it was too warm for slippers, so she let her feet be bare against the soft carpet and hardwood floors. It was soothing to feel the cool wood against the soles of her feet.

Joan walked by and fed her goldfish and smiled softly as the fish swam up to eat the food she gave him. It was a beautiful fish and she was reminded of how she was still different from others. She didn't own a dog or a cat, but she owned a goldfish. They were easy to take care of, didn't demand too much attention, but it was still something she wished to take care of in some way.

She cooked her steak to medium rare and placed a simple garden salad on her plate. She sipped from her double shot of vodka that was left on the side of the table. She preferred this quiet time alone to eat, since she told Franky Doyle a few months ago that it allowed for good thinking time. However, all Joan could think about was how alone she was tonight. She was always alone but for some reason tonight bothered her.

This wasn't the first time she'd felt this way during Christmas, but it was the first time she felt a surprising ache in her heart. When she finished eating, she looked outside her window and saw the families in the windows across the street that were gathered around a tree. She looked around to see other families hugging and greeting outside and she was once again reminded that she had no family. She sighed and closed the drapes to her windows as she looked around her home. It was clean but without much personality other than the paintings and various other artwork, and the violin that was in her kitchen. Her taste in furniture was simple but modern. She didn't have much attachment to such things other than she wanted neatness. There was no warmth in her house. It didn't even look like anyone lived here. It was cold and pristine, just like she was.

Joan walked over near the violin and gently touched it, remembering a time she used to play when music was so very important to her. It still was important, but the time for this creative outlet was gone with how busy she was with the prison. So, it was on display as a reminder for what used to be. She picked up the picture of her younger self in a fencing uniform with her father and she wasn't exactly smiling in it, but there was a hint of a smile in the softness of her mouth. Her father remained as serious as ever but there was a proud look in his eyes. 

That was right after she had won a fencing match and she was excited and so happy, but kept such feelings inward but was so glad that her father gave her such honest praise. She always tried hard to make him proud, and fencing was one of the few times she could other than academics. With academics he was always pushing for her to get the best grades she could, but with fencing, if she won then he was happy. She tried not to think about how he reacted when she lost. 

She traced the picture with her fingertips and looked at the time. Joan was alone, but she suddenly didn't want to be stuck alone in her house. She decided to do something that she hadn't done in a very long time.

It was warm outside but not overly so, and she wore jeans with a nice v-neck wine red top that complimented the darkness of her hair. Her hair was softly down around her shoulders and she slipped on some black sandals.

Joan drove a bit into the city and it was a little busy. The downtown area was covered in light displays of buildings and trees. All various colors and she could hear Christmas music playing faintly as she slowly walked through the area. She observed the families and couples that laughed and hugged, giving each other soft kisses on the lips and cheeks. She watched with curiosity at the love and affection that others shared and knew that she didn't receive that from others so it was very hard for her to return such gestures. 

She walked by slowly as she watched the lighting of the tree and marveled at the colors of the lights and the decorations. It was a large display and many surrounded it with their loved ones. She felt very much like a lone wolf who was on the outside looking in, just like she'd been her entire life. Some people sang and she listened to the carols that were done and felt an odd peace as she looked up when someone put the star on the tree as the final ornament. 

Joan walked by a crowd of people and could hear an odd melodic sound that was soft in tone but not anything she was used to hearing. She was tall and moved a little within the crowd to see two young men who were sitting down and playing on some circular shaped disk in their lap. She could see now that it was a hang drum. 

These were percussion instruments that she didn't exactly understand the reason for using them, but they played a version of Carol of the Bells with it which was a favorite Christmas carol of hers. So, Joan stood and watched them play which was something she wouldn't often do, especially with a crowd of people. It was soothing in its own way and she could see the two young men were very talented, and she had a new appreciation for the talent and skill that went behind this. It made her feel calmer as she listened to them play and when they were done, she slowly walked away with the sounds of the hang drum still in her head. 

It was getting later and before she knew it, it was almost midnight. She'd have to go home soon and as she was walking she saw a large cathedral. It was beautiful in size and almost gothic imagery, but it was also a reminder of the churches she saw as a child and the one she attended with her parents. She hadn't stepped foot into a church in years and she looked at the decorations on the windows, and she could see that there was something modern about the church. There were decorations and displays making it look like it was snow and she could see a sign that mentioned this year being a winter wonderland theme. There were trees covered in fake snow but it looked real. Off to the side was a display of the Nativity scene and she remembered how much her mother loved to tell that story.

She didn't want to be reminded of what she'd come home to, and she saw people going into the church and she stopped, staring at it. A priest beckoned her through the door and she took a deep breath and walked up to the entrance. She paused and felt wet drops of something touch her face and hair and looked up to see soap suds that were falling from the top of the archway. It was to simulate snow and she had a small memory of when she played in the snow as a child with her parents, and felt a lump in her throat. She swallowed against it and walked inside.

The priest gently took her hand and greeted her and she tried not to flinch at the touch. She knew he was only greeting her and he looked so kindly at her that she felt a heavy weight was lifted from her shoulders. It was busy during the Midnight Mass but it was not completely filled up and she preferred this because while she wasn't religious, she'd rather have a quiet and intimate atmosphere.

She glanced at the basin of holy water near the entrance, and the candlelit vigil near the door and then looked around at the rest of the candles and soft lighting in the church. The large arches of the architecture to the ceiling and the large organ in the back near the altar and choir. There were Christmas trees with white twinkling lights on them and they were beautifully decorated with ornaments and an angel on top of each tree. There was garland with red bows near the altar that were also covered in soft white twinkling lights. Jesus Christ was hanging from the cross in a large display near the front and she had a flood of memories of when she attended church as a child with her parents.

She sat down in a pew that was closer to the back, and closed her eyes at the familiar smell of incense that was something she didn't know she missed until she came in here. She could also smell the light smell of candles. She couldn't tell what the smell was because there was a mix of that, the incense, and flowers that were spread throughout parts of the church. The priest at the front was smiling and she could hear the choir singing O Holy Night and it echoed to the back in soft and soothing tones.

She closed her eyes as the lyrics came to a part she felt immediately calmed by and she didn't know why because she didn't believe in God, but there was something about it that spoke to her for she had a weary heart. 

_“A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices_  
_For yonder breaks a new glorious morn_  
_Fall on your knees_  
_O hear the angels' voices_  
_O night divine_  
_O night when Christ was born_  
_O night divine o night_  
_O night divine"_  


She slowly opened her eyes and glanced around to the people who sat watching the priest and choir, and the families with their Bibles as they sang the hymns. She looked to the side and stared for a few seconds and was surprised she saw a familiar face. 

Vera Bennett was sitting alone in a pew with her soft wavy hair down from its customary bun. She wore a simple green v-neck top and jeans with small dangly earrings, and a necklace of the cross. She thought Vera looked soft and... beautiful. It's not that she never thought Vera wasn't attractive, but it was an objective view on the female form and she saw now that Vera was beautiful in many ways. Joan knew then that what she was feeling was sexual attraction and it surprised her for she hadn't fully looked at her Deputy in this way. But if she was completely honest with herself... it was something she secretly pushed down and denied. This time... something about the way Vera looked tonight could not be ignored.

Joan slowly stood up and walked over to where Vera was sitting and she looked up at her and Joan smiled softly.

“May I sit here?” She asked quietly.

Vera stared at her wide eyed and nodded and moved a little over to make room for her. Joan sat down and crossed her legs and they sat in silence for a few minutes as they listened to the song O come, O come, Emmanuel. There was a gentle piano piece and cello that played with the woman singing and she felt a tear in her eye and she didn't know why.

_“Oh come desire of nations bind_  
_In one the hearts of all mankind_  
_Bid thou our sad divisions cease_  
_And be thyself our king of peace_

_Rejoice, rejoice_

_Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel”_

The sermon started and Joan and Vera listened as the priest spoke about the history and story of the birth of Jesus. It was typical to speak about on Christmas Eve, and she didn't believe in the Son of God but she appreciated the belief in the man that was known as a peaceful figure. 

Joan breathed deeply and looked at Vera a little from the corner of her eye. She leaned down and whispered to her.

“I bet you didn't expect to see me here...”

Vera turned her head slightly and looked at her. “Um, well, I didn't really know if--”

“It's okay. I haven't been here in years. Do you attend regularly?”

Vera turned to Joan and she looked into the soft blue eyes and she decided to drop a little of her work persona.

“I haven't in a long time, but I try to every year during Christmas time. It's...” Vera paused and Joan wrinkled her brow.

“It's what?” Joan asked softly.

“It's the first Christmas without my mum,” she said quietly.

Joan nodded as Vera looked down at her lap and she was reminded of how she just thought of her father before he left. While not a recent death, he was still forever in her memory. She didn't know why he appeared before her at times, or why he disappeared now. What she did know was that despite their complicated relationship, she loved him and missed him. So, that much she could relate to with Vera here.

She slowly moved her hand over to rest on Vera's and curled it around hers. She lifted it and held her smaller hand in her lap. Her hand was soft and warm and Vera looked a little startled. Joan took this moment to push back her fear of others touching her, her fear of germs, her fear of intimacy, and allowed her and Vera to have this moment together. Joan squeezed her hand and spoke softly as the priest continued the sermon. She looked deep inside herself and shared with Vera in a way she never had before.

“It's always difficult the first year, and sometimes the years after. In time, it won't seem as painful and you'll have bittersweet memories of your time together. Some years will be harder than others. When some years feel harder, remember the good times you spent together instead of the bad times. I know you and your mother had a difficult relationship... not unlike me and my father. I know that makes it hard during this time of year as well because it's filled with conflicted feelings over them.”

Vera nodded and looked down at their hands and then back into Joan's eyes. She saw a slight quiver in her full lips and Joan wanted to touch those lips with her own. There was something about how vulnerable Vera looked here that was very appealing. Instead she reached up and stroked Vera's hair behind her ear and she smiled gently as Vera closed her eyes.

“That's exactly how I feel. I feel sad and relieved at the same time, and that's hard to reconcile at times. I'm here tonight because it reminds me of her and even though I was so angry at her towards the end, I still loved her,” she said quietly and Joan saw her eyes were becoming slightly wet.

“Of course you did. You feeling angry didn't mean you didn't love her. None of us are perfect, otherwise we wouldn't be here in this church right now. Isn't that the teachings of places such as these? That we're not perfect but we can still be good people?”

Vera smiled at her and Joan patted Vera's hand. She was not normally affectionate but something called for it tonight. The coldness within her heart thawed slowly with the warmth of Vera and her kind eyes and gentle smile.

Joan spoke to her a little bit about her childhood and how she used to attend the church, but that over time her father stopped and she became an atheist. 

“I'm not sure what I am anymore, but I believe something is there,” Vera said and Joan listened to her talk about her past with her mother. Some things she'd never heard Vera talk about and she smiled sadly at the similarities they both shared in their upbringing.

“I don't believe in the existence of God, but there is something I definitely feel in here and whatever that is, it's a calming and peaceful feeling, and that's all that matters for me.”

Vera nodded and she caressed Joan's hand with her thumb. They sat in silence for a little while longer and she could feel Vera still caressing her hand with her thumb. It was a soothing touch that she allowed because it was so rare that she let others to do this. If there was anyone she wanted to touch her, it would be Vera.

Vera leaned in and whispered, “None of what we experienced as children was our fault. Remember that Joan when you start questioning what kind of person you are. We love them anyway... but we didn't deserve some of the treatment our parents gave us. No child does.”

Joan breathed and squeezed Vera's hand and looked into her eyes, blinking back a tear that was threatening to slip down her cheek.

“Thank you, Vera. I agree,” she said gently and smiled softly.

They sat together in a comfortable silence for a few minutes and Joan kept Vera's hand in her lap. It was a way to keep Vera close to her for she didn't know how much longer they'd be together like this. They both skipped Communion as neither wanted to take part in what that symbolism meant but they watched the line of people each eat the Eucharist and take the sip of wine, and it was fascinating to see the amount that did this. Joan admired the level of faith many had even if she herself didn't believe.

“I didn't want to be alone tonight, and I'm glad I ran into you,” Vera said.

Joan squeezed her hand and gave a small smile. “Me too,” she said quietly.

She looked to the side where they were handled candles and she held one in her hand as Vera took one and they passed on the flame to each other. Joan felt an odd peace as she stared at the soft, flickering flame.

Mass was coming to an end and a hymn of Silent Night began playing and they stood up and softly sang to the words. Joan hadn't done this since she was a child and she looked at Vera who smiled at her and continued to sing softly.

_“Silent Night_  
_Holy Night_  
_Sleep in heavenly peace”_

They lifted their candles a little higher and watched as the Mass ended. They waited for people to file out before they did and mainly kept to themselves but she watched in curiosity as Vera greeted and hugged a few people. Joan shook some hands but tried to stay off to the side. She was about to leave before she felt a soft hand gently wrap around her wrist. She turned around and saw Vera.

“Joan, let's leave together,” she said and smiled.

Joan nodded and they both thanked the priest and wished him Merry Christmas at the door. They stopped and the soap suds fell from above and Joan couldn't help but smile as they were covered in Vera's hair and face. She felt them hit her hair and face as well. 

“It's snowing!” Vera said and giggled.

Joan chuckled and reached up to gently wipe away the soap suds and she caressed Vera's cheek. Vera stared at her and then she looked up and pointed. Joan furrowed her eyebrows and felt more of the soap suds hit her face and then she saw what Vera was talking about.

Mistletoe. 

She swallowed and looked down at her and Vera had a bit of a mischievous look on her face.

“We don't have to. I mean, it's not mandatory,” she said quickly.

However, Vera reached up and brought Joan's face down to hers. She held her breath as she looked into Vera's eyes and then at her lips.

“It's tradition. Just one little kiss... please,” Vera said and stroked her cheek.

Joan reached down and wrapped her hand around Vera's neck and brought her closer and slowly closed her eyes. She kissed her softly on the lips and held the kiss for a few seconds before she pulled away.

"Vera..."

Vera was looking at her a little oddly and then she pulled Joan down again and kissed her a bit more firmly and this was not a chaste kiss. It was full of feeling and desire, and all the repressed feelings between the two of them.

She wrapped her arms around Vera and kissed her back, licking her lips and rolling her tongue over hers as she sighed softly into her mouth. 

“Merry Christmas!” 

Joan broke their kiss and forgot that they were just outside of the church as one of the people from the choir greeted them and left. She looked down at Vera and smiled shyly.

Vera smiled back and she took Joan's hand as they walked away. They were slow because they didn't want the evening to end. The soft lips of Vera would remain in her memory, and she still tasted the sweet taste of her mouth with hints of peppermint. 

“I have to go home. You have a Merry Christmas,” Joan said and smiled as they slowly parted their hands, their fingers gently slipping away. It was like a thread... a silken twine between them. They were connected in some way and she couldn't explain how or why, it just was.

Joan turned to her car and got inside. She closed her eyes at what just happened. Never did she think all of this would happen tonight. She touched her lips with her fingertips and remembered how it felt to have Vera's lips kissing hers. She was startled when a knock was at her window. She turned and saw it was Vera and rolled down her window.

“Yes, Vera?”

“I was just wondering... since you're alone and I'm alone, why don't we spend Christmas together tomorrow? You can stay for dinner but I'd love if you came over during the day. You can come over any time. If you want to that is,” Vera said nervously.

Joan thought for a minute and realized that she didn't want to spend Christmas alone. She did that for so many years and perhaps tomorrow she could do something different.

“Yes, that would be lovely. I'll stop by tomorrow and bring a bottle of wine and a special dish. How does 1pm sound?”

Vera smiled. “That sounds perfect.” 

Vera handed her a peppermint candy cane and she suddenly knew why Vera's kiss tasted faintly of peppermint. She smiled a little as she took the candy cane from her and then she saw Vera lean in a little and kiss her softly on the lips. 

“Merry Christmas, Joan,” she said softly and stroked her hair.

“Merry Christmas, Vera. I'll see you tomorrow.”

She watched as Vera walked away and smiled to herself. Maybe Christmas wasn't so bad after all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope that was enjoyable even though it's almost October (what happened to Halloween?! LOL) and this was a fic I could have done in December, but I decided to work on this now while it was still fresh in my mind. I also wanted to gift it to Ashortbio too even though I don't think she has an account on ao3. Consider this a very early Christmas gift to you Ashortbio. :)
> 
> Also I want to point out that I'm not Catholic but I did grow up going to Christian non denominational churches and some that were similar in tradition but not quite, so some of it is mixed with that. Special thanks to oceansinmychest for helping me out with research about Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. :)
> 
> So most know the Christmas songs I mentioned, however Ashortbio showed me a duo that play on the hang drum (or handpan), and I found another person who played on it with Carol of the Bells like I described in this. If you'd like to listen it's very neat.
> 
> This Carol of the Bells version is performed by someone named Vasilis Vasiliou: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNOQBWia0KY
> 
> I would also recommend listening to the duo called Hang Massive with this song called Once Again. This is something Ashortbio showed to me and I loved it and I wanted to put this type of music into the story for her. The song she showed me is very pretty and soothing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk3BvNLeNgw
> 
> Also for the song O come, O come, Emmanuel, I listened to a beautiful instrumental version by The Piano Guys that is worth listening to and I wanted to use this piece as a basis for what they heard in the church:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iO7ySn-Swwc
> 
> Feel free to follow/message me on twitter as @MsYukari or on tumblr as msyukari. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this fic was meant to be a one shot but some people asked for a sequel or 2nd chapter. I decided to just add a 2nd chapter for those who may want to read the 1st chapter again to remember what happened. Or for those wanting to get into the holiday spirit or if you need comfort during this holiday season. Hope you enjoy.

Joan was nervous about going to Vera's for Christmas. It had been such a long time since she did anything for the holiday, and especially a long time since she'd spent Christmas with anyone. She'd decided to keep her promise about bringing a special dish. But she decided to make two. She had enough ingredients to make Pirozhki. These fried buns had beef, onions, rice, and mushroom inside them and they were a favorite of hers since she was a child. She had also decided to make a Russian dessert and while Kutya was something she remembered more, she decided to go with something a little more traditional to a pie. So, instead she made Sharlotka, and hoped Vera would enjoy the Russian version of an apple pie.

Vera had also asked her if she could come over around 5pm instead since she was still slaving away at cooking. Joan was fine with this for it gave her time to make her two dishes. She parked outside of Vera's house and she was 10 minutes early. The house was covered in Christmas lights and she smiled gently at the display. She walked up to the door and saw the Christmas wreath that looked like Vera handcrafted it herself. She touched it and sadly thought of how her house was completely devoid of anything Christmas. She knocked on the door and heard footsteps coming closer and Vera opened it with a big smile on her face.

“Merry Christmas!”

Joan was taken aback by the excited response, but she was warmed by it. “Merry Christmas, Vera,” she said softly. Vera was wearing an apron with a nice v-neck top and cropped pants, her hair pulled back into a loose ponytail. Joan had only been wearing cropped jeans and sandals with a similar top to Vera's. It was too hot so she also kept her hair in a ponytail.

“Where should I put this?” Joan asked as she walked inside with her dishes.

“I'll take those. Dinner should be ready in an hour. Make yourself at home!”

“Are you sure you don't need any help?”

“No, I'm good!” Vera said and smiled.

It smelled of turkey and mashed potatoes and even though it was hot, she knew Vera was making a more traditional Christmas dinner.

“I would like to help if I could,” Joan said, placing her hand on Vera's shoulder.

Vera's ears turned red and she checked on the turkey in the oven and the other dishes. “You can set the table when it's ready. Please just relax, Joan.”

Joan nodded and went about setting the table early in preparation for dinner. “I brought a dish for dinner and something for dessert.”

“Good! I actually forgot about dessert so that's good you did that. This was a bit of a last minute thing,” Vera said nervously.

“Last minute? Were you not planning on having this dinner?”

Vera turned towards her. “No... not until last night. I was just going to have some microwavable food because it's quick and easy.”

“Well, everyone deserves a nice meal no matter what the circumstances. I'm glad I came over,” Joan said and smiled.

Vera nodded and Joan walked into her living room where she saw the small tree that Vera had up. It was real and she could smell the pine. She touched it and the pine needles were soft to the touch. There were several ornaments on them, and a few that looked rather old. The soft glow from the Christmas lights gave Joan a calming feeling and she could hear soft music playing in the background. The music was relaxing since it was classical piano and she smiled in the dimness of the room.

She picked up a family photo that she saw of a younger Vera with her parents and they all three looked happy. Vera looked like she was about 10 or 11 years old here. Other pictures were taken but only with her mother. Vera didn't look as happy in these pictures and her lips twitched when she thought of how cruel Vera's mother could be. She looked into the kitchen as Vera was busily working and her eyes softened as she remembered the sadness Vera felt about her mother. It was mixed with the similar feelings that Joan felt about her father. Bittersweet sadness over missing the one parent who was there for you for a good majority of your life. Vera caught her eye and smiled and Joan blushed. She remembered their kiss from the night before and wasn't sure where they stood together. She turned her head and looked back at what was in Vera's living room.

Joan saw small figurines and decorations of the Nativity scene on a mantel above the fireplace with a few candles. She smelled cinnamon mixed with vanilla and nutmeg, and a cedar and firewood smell from a couple of the candles. She had vague memories of her mother doing this and even her father trying to continue this tradition after she died. She gently touched the figurines with her fingertips and looked at the angel figurines nearby and smiled gently. It matched the angel that was on the top of Vera's tree. She looked at the tree again as it became darker in the living room and she didn't bother turning on more light since the colored twinkling lights and candles illuminated the room. It was a soft light and she thought the lights on the tree looked brighter than normal.

“Joan, could you please turn on the Christmas lights for my house? There is a switch near the door.”

Joan found the switch and turned them on, the soft white and colored lights reflecting through the windows. She turned around to see Vera behind her.

“Let's go look at them!” Vera said and Joan was startled when Vera grabbed her hand and followed her outside. Other houses were lit up now that it was getting a little darker. She watched families through their windows and some that were just arriving to each other's houses, and she finally turned around to look at Vera's house with her lights lit up. It was simple but beautiful.

Vera still held her hand and she finally looked down at the smaller woman. “You did a nice job, Vera. Did you do all of this by yourself?”

“I had some help from the neighbors but yes, most of it I did on my own. It's been a long time since I put up lights,” she said softly.

Joan squeezed her hand. “Me too.”

Vera gave a small smile. “Is it okay if we go back inside now?”

Joan nodded and she felt a little disappointed when Vera let go of her hand but she followed her through the door, watching as Vera continued in the kitchen. Dinner was almost ready and Joan took out the Pirozhki and set it onto the table. Vera was having trouble carving the turkey and Joan stood up and placed her hand on her lower back. “Let me do it.”

“You're my guest, Joan. I can handle it.”

Joan smirked and she placed her hand over Vera's holding the knife. She felt Vera stiffen a little as she stood closely behind her and she whispered against her ear. “We'll do it together.”

“O-okay,” Vera said and Joan smiled as she gently helped guide Vera's hand. When she was done, she slowly stepped out of the way and watched as Vera placed everything onto the table. She sat across from her and Vera quickly lit some candles on the dinner table. Vera poured them some Pinot Noir and Joan took a sip of it as they ate turkey, mashed potatoes, vegetables, prawns, and the Pirozhki.

“What is this? It's very good,” Vera said as she bit into one of them.

“It's called Pirozhki. They usually have beef, mushrooms, rice, and onions. Some are also vegetarian but I have fond memories of eating them like this during Christmas time. The turkey and the rest of this dinner is also quite delicious. You're a good cook, Vera,” Joan said and smiled.

Vera smiled back and continued to eat. “I'm glad we ran into each other last night.”

Joan took a piece of the Sharlotka and placed it onto a plate to give to Vera. “This is the Russian version of apple pie. Its substance is a little more like cake so I hope you enjoy it.”

Vera smiled and took a bite. “Oh, this is delicious! I'd like more if I'm not too full later.”

Joan blushed. “Well, we definitely have enough and you can keep the rest of it for leftovers tomorrow.”

She watched Vera cut into the Sharlotka as she also took a piece. It had been a long time since she'd had this particular dessert and she closed her eyes. This was her mother's special recipe and she felt a lump in her throat as she remembered the times her mother was still alive.

“Joan, are you all right?”

Joan looked into Vera's gentle and concerned blue eyes. “I-I'm fine... just remembering things from my childhood.”

Vera nodded slowly and her eyes looked away as she paused and sipped her wine. “Sometimes I still think I'll hear Mum's voice calling me. I've never been alone on Christmas... at least not physically. Sometimes I've felt alone anyway even when she was here. Have you ever felt that way?”

Joan thought of the times her father had made her feel over the years. Her feelings were conflicted as she thought of a man who supported her and hurt her at the same time. She lifted her wine glass and drank some of it before she responded.

“Yes, sometimes I've felt alone even when I'm with someone,” Joan said quietly.

“What about now?”

Joan's eyes softened. “No, I don't feel alone right now. I hope you don't either.”

Vera smiled shyly and took another sip of her wine. “I don't. I'm glad you're here. Let's go into the living room.”

She blew out the candles in the kitchen and Joan helped her put the food and dishes away. She tapped Joan's shoulder and handed her a small peppermint candy cane.

“It wouldn't be Christmas without one of these. I know it's summer, but would you like some hot chocolate?”

Joan nodded, smiling as she sat down on the couch. Vera soon came out with two cups of hot chocolate and Joan smirked at hers which had marshmallows in them with shavings of chocolate on top of it and a small dollop of whipped cream. They sat in silence, their legs touching and Joan felt the warmth from Vera's leg and it was a nice feeling as Vera moved a little bit closer to her. They sipped their hot chocolate, and Joan was very relaxed as she stared at the lit up tree and listened to classical Christmas music. Vera looked at her and there was whipped cream on her nose. Joan leaned over and gently wiped it off, making Vera blush a bright red as she smiled shyly. They were close now and Joan reached up to stroke the hair behind her ear.

“Vera... how do you feel about last night?”

“Last night? I had a very nice time...”

Joan slowly shook her head and placed her cup down. “I'm talking about our kiss.”

Vera blushed. “It was tradition under the mistletoe, but I understand if you might think it was inappropriate or if you wouldn't want that. I don't know why I did that... I shouldn't have kissed you last night before we left. We work together and--”

Joan placed her finger on her lips. “Vera, calm down. I was surprised by the kiss but happily so. I just wanted to know how you feel about it.”

“I-I-I'd never kissed a woman until then and I've never kissed under the mistletoe. It was my chance to do so.”

Joan furrowed her eyebrows, feeling a little disappointed. She pulled away slightly, and averted her eyes. “Was that the only reason? Christmas tradition and curiosity?”

Joan didn't want Vera to only be interested for those reasons. The kiss had meant something more to her than that, and she hadn't stopped thinking about it until she went to bed last night and then more during the day. She was stupid to believe that anyone like Vera could truly be attracted to her. She felt the sudden stinging of tears in her eyes and she didn't want to cry. She blinked them back quickly and thought maybe it was time she left. Her body was growing tense, and then she felt Vera's hand caress her cheek.

“Joan... look at me.”

_I'll only be rejected. I can't face that again._

“Joan... please,” Vera said softly.

Joan turned her head and Vera gently cupped her cheek and placed her hand on her arm, caressing it.

“That wasn't the only reason. I've felt an attraction to you for a while now that I didn't quite understand until we kissed last night.”

Joan watched her and she reached up and touched Vera's hand on her cheek. “You're attracted to me?”

“Yes, I find you very attractive, and I'm not used to that with a woman. It kind of scares me... but it feels right,” Vera said.

Joan smiled and she slipped her hand behind Vera's head and slowly pulled the band out for her ponytail, feeling the soft waves under her fingertips. She leaned forward and kissed Vera's cheek, then the corner of her mouth.

“Does this feel right?” Joan whispered.

Vera reached up to undo Joan's ponytail and she closed her eyes as Vera's fingers ran through her hair. She looked at Joan and her lips were so close to hers that Joan could feel her soft breath against her lips. She kissed her, moving her lips under hers and hummed softly when Vera's fingers stroked her hand and down her back. She wrapped her arms around Vera as they kissed, pulling her closer until she could feel her breasts softly brush against hers.

Vera's soft lips tasted faintly of peppermint and chocolate and she couldn't get enough of her kisses. Joan caressed her cheek, kissing each other more passionately. Vera moaned softly into her mouth and she felt her nipples harden at the sound and feel of her. She slowly pressed Vera down against the couch, kissing her more deeply. Her tongue rolled over hers and she moaned as Vera slowly opened her legs to let Joan in between them. She kissed Vera's neck, nipping and sucking on the skin. She placed open mouth kisses against Vera's neck and sucked the hollow of her throat. She could smell the light scent of soap and her perfume on her skin as she trailed her lips and tongue across her collarbone.

Joan sighed softly when Vera lifted her hips under hers, loving the feel of her body. She wanted to take Vera right now and she could feel a tense energy inside her as she pulled Vera against her, listening to the younger woman moan softly under her. Joan kissed her mouth again, sucking her bottom lip. Vera bit her lip gently, and Joan felt her hands on her sides, brushing the sides of her breasts.

“Vera,” she whispered, kissing her lips before she kissed across her neck and throat.

Joan kissed her chest at the opening of her v-neck, her hands moving under Vera's shirt where she could feel her warm skin, and Vera shivered at her touch. Joan held her close and moved up to kiss her again, and then pulled back to look into her eyes.

“Joan,” she whispered, reaching up to cup her cheek.

Joan stroked her hair and kissed the corner of her mouth. She felt nervous and knew that whatever could happen, wasn't the best scenario for them right now.

“Vera, as much as I want you, I don't think I'm ready for more than this. I-I feel... vulnerable and I haven't been with anyone in a very long time.”

Vera kissed her sweetly, stroking her hair. “I understand. Please keep kissing me. I'm not ready for more either, but I love kissing you.”

Joan smiled and kissed her again, and this time she slowly pulled Vera up against her, cupping her cheek and she slowed down their kisses until they were soft and slow. She hoped to show Vera how much she cared about her and appreciated her. Vera stroked her cheek and kissed her with a passion and tenderness that Joan never thought she'd be given. She suddenly felt herself tearing up and she didn't know why and she broke their kiss. Normally she'd look away but this time she looked into Vera's eyes and she saw that same vulnerability echoing back at her. Vera's eyes were soft and shiny and she seemed to understand through eye contact alone that they were both feeling the same thing.

Vera's thumb gently stroked under her eye, and she realized that Vera was wiping away a tear. Joan swallowed as Vera leaned forward and kissed the tear on her cheek, then started gently kissing her face. No one had ever kissed and touched Joan before with this amount of tenderness. When Vera looked into her eyes again, she saw a tear slipping down Vera's cheek and wiped at the tear, leaning forward to kiss the corner of her mouth. Joan could taste the tear against her skin, and she held Vera in her arms, feeling the younger woman nuzzle her neck. She cupped Joan's cheeks and she closed her eyes as Vera stroked her hair.

“Vera, I'm sorry... I don't mean to—I'm not used to this,” she said softly, feeling embarrassed.

“Don't be sorry. I think we're both feeling the same thing. Do you like being here with me?”

Joan looked into her eyes, and felt the tightness within her heart start to soften. “Yes, I like being here with you. I don't feel so alone.”

Vera kissed her lips. “I like it too, and I don't feel so alone either. We're here for each other, and the prison and everything else disappears just for this one moment. Do you believe it was a coincidence that we met at the church?”

Joan thought about how of all the nights she'd normally stay home, she felt compelled to go out and for the first time in years, she'd felt herself drawn to the church. She didn't know what it was but for some reason, something inside her told her she needed to go.

“The church is not somewhere that is uncommon to go to during Christmas Eve. I believe we just both happened to be in the right place at the right time, and I suppose that is a coincidence.”

Vera smiled gently. “I'm not so sure it was coincidence. You're correct that we were in the right place at the right time but I think it was fate. I think we were meant to find each other that night and spend this time together.”

Joan listened and Vera took her hand and squeezed it, and she didn't know what to say to Vera as she looked around her house, staring at the lights on the tree and the angel that softly glowed from the rest of the lights. The candles were still flickering and she could hear a song that started playing as she looked into Vera's eyes. She didn't recognize the song but it brought forth feelings in her that were long since buried.

 _“Candles in the window_  
_Shadows painting the ceiling_  
_Gazing at the fire glow_  
_Feeling that gingerbread feeling_

_Precious moments, special people  
Happy faces, I can see_

_Somewhere in my memory_  
_Christmas joys all around me_  
_Living in my memory_  
_All of the music, all of the magic_  
_All of the family, home here with me”_

She thought of how she and Vera came together last night at church. They had dropped their work personas and had a moment of closeness, and here they were spending Christmas together. For some reason they were meant to be together last night and today, and she couldn't deny that something had finally pulled them together.

Joan smiled at her gently, and kissed her cheek and lips, hugging her close. “I don't know what brought us together for Christmas, but whatever it is, we were meant to be with each other. Thank you for inviting me here tonight. As long as we have each other, neither one of us will be alone.”

Vera sniffled and she realized that the younger woman started crying. She held her close and kissed her lips, remembering the tender heart that her young Deputy had. As hard and cold as Joan could be, she found the missing parts of herself that she didn't realize she'd been missing until now.

“You're right, we don't ever have to be alone,” Vera said and kissed her softly. She curled up against Joan and they sat cuddled on the couch, listening to the music and watching the tree. After some time had passed, Joan stroked Vera's hair and back and tilted her chin up with her fingertips.

“Let's create a new tradition and spend Christmas together every year. Next year, I'll have you over and we'll make it special, just for us.”

“It's a deal,” Vera whispered and smiled.

Joan smiled back and kissed her, holding her close and she smiled tenderly when Vera fell asleep in her arms. She held her close and she should go back home, and she slowly and gently placed Vera onto the couch and covered her with a blanket. She stroked the hair away from her face and placed a kiss on her forehead. Vera's eyes fluttered open and she held Joan's hand.

“Hmm... Joan, what are you doing?”

“It's late, I should get going. Merry Christmas, Vera,” she whispered.

Vera sat up a little and hugged her, and Joan inhaled the sweet scent of her hair, feeling her soft lips kiss her neck and then Vera kissed her mouth.

“Stay with me tonight... please,” Vera said softly.

Joan stroked her hair and nodded, and she helped Vera into bed, hesitating until Vera moved over and made room for her. She slowly got into the bed and Vera kissed her gently.

“It's been a long time since I slept with someone,” Joan whispered.

Vera smiled. “Sometimes sleeping with someone is more intimate than anything else. Thank you for staying,” she whispered back.

Joan lifted her hand to stroke her cheek and then wrapped her arm around her waist, pulling her close. Vera's soft and slow breathing made her sleepy and she kissed her brow. Joan's wish was that she wouldn't be alone this Christmas, and whatever powers that be made sure that she and Vera found each other. She stroked Vera's back and leaned down and gently kissed her lips. Vera pulled her closer and she saw a small smile on the younger woman's face.

“Merry Christmas, Vera,” she whispered as she watched her sleep, and she closed her eyes and her breathing evened out as she fell asleep in Vera's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Eve aka Ashortbio: I hope you enjoyed the 2nd chapter of that fic just as much as you enjoyed the 1st chapter and that it brings comfort to you during this time. You're funny and sweet, and always make me laugh with all your memes and us talking about our love of Joan and Pam. I hope someday we can meet. Please take it easy and have fun during the holiday. Merry Christmas to you and make the Yuletide GAY! LOL <3
> 
> For those interested in listening to Christmas music that I imagine they'd listen to in this fic, as well as some of these being my personal favorites, I'll give links.
> 
> Somewhere In My Memory by John Williams is the song I used in this fic, which is from Home Alone and it's one of my favorites: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kHH6LJpEbQ
> 
> Carol of the Bells by George Winston: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JYrOMK1aDA
> 
> O Holy Night by Josh Groban: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zh-yR0pbmU
> 
> Carol of the Bells/God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen medley by The Piano Guys: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9GtPX6c_kg
> 
> The Holly and the Ivy by George Winston: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FFp-doyMTI
> 
> Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxxTHzERTsk
> 
> It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Johnny Mathis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU7pSHDay_k
> 
> The First Noel by Nat King Cole: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0S7yz2jTq0
> 
> The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I65_S78WHJY
> 
> Sleigh Ride by Johnny Mathis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b9BKK27HuQ
> 
> Do You Hear What I Hear? by Johnny Mathis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsdzCdEBB9w


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